When it all goes to hell in a morning!

If you're a mum or a dad then you'll know what it feels like to have one of those days where everyone seems to be fighting you.  The kids yell at you because you're trying to get them out the door and their priorities are on something else, like the Wii or playing with their toys or getting dressed up.  You're husband/wife is annoyed with you because you haven't given him/her your attention or listened to them and yet they have overlooked everything you did for them - how ungrateful!  You feel pulled from pillar to post and finally you snap and yell at everyone, they look at you like deer in head lights, and you stomp off feeling angry and crappy because you didn't remain cool and calm under fire like the perfect parent would!

Everyone has bad days and bad moments with your loved ones.  The issue is whether you are going to continue to wallow in your guilt and anger or work through that and devise a strategy for when you face them again.  The first thing is to face your emotions about the event.  When this happens to me (and it does, because I admit, I am human), I like to use the sweet small space between the angry at them and the self flagellating thoughts of myself to catch myself and STOP!  Take a breath in, breath into my heart space and pick the one thought that bothers me most and do "the work" on that.  By "the work" I mean the 4 questions that Byron Katie used on herself continually to question her thoughts and has shared with the world (thankyou Bryon).  These questions are self enquiry, done with an open heart and with lots of compassion for yourself and the other.  Here are the questions:

1. Is it true? (Be still. Wait for the heart’s response. A simple Yes or No)
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Can you really know that what you believe is true?)
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? (What do you experience? Anger, stress, frustration?  How does this reaction feel in your body? Does that thought bring stress or peace into your life? Be still as you listen).
4. Who would you be without the thought? (Close your eyes. Picture yourself in the situation that caused you stress and now see it change as you release that belief - how does that feel? So much better right?)

Byron also suggests that we do at least 3 "turn arounds" on the thought - so if I thought "He should be grateful for all that I do for him", I could turn this thought around as such:

I should be grateful for all that I do for him
He should not be grateful for all that I do for him
I am not grateful for all that he does for me

Each one of those statements is just as true as my original thought - just think them through and you'll see the truth in that.  What this process does is move us out of problem/blame/anger mode and from us focusing on the problem to examining our thoughts and uncovering new perspectives and realities which do bring us peace.  Do this for every stressful thought that came out of the blow up and you suddenly have a new perspective.

OK. So now what?  You still have to face them when you return to the house.  How will you handle that?  Most people still go into this situation carrying those negative thoughts and beliefs, but you've just let them go.  You also have a new appreciation for how they may feel.

Get real and say your sorry.  Acknowledge what was going on for them and also for you.  Own your own emotions and warped thinking at that time and tell them what you think was happening for you and what you saw.  Talk about what your needs are - what would you like to happen if this situation or something similar rises again?  Ask them for help and ideas.  You'll be surprised at how inventive even the little ones can get.

And the best part about taking this approach is that you are modeling good behaviour to little ones - they learn from you.  Do you really want them to grow up and not be able to face their feelings, apologise for their behaviour and instead blow up at their loved ones?  Of course you don't.

For more details about "The Work" please see Byron Katie's website - www.thework.com